Recently, my father passed on into eternity.  As I reflect upon what all that means, God has brought perspective that is so profound, healing, and breathtakingly beautiful! I felt I was to share it with you!

Painful Relationships, Hurt, and Destruction Are Real

My relationship with my father has always been difficult, painful, and sometimes excruciating, at best. I am not sure of the dynamics that set MY dad up for the brokenness that caused him to self-protect, abuse, withhold, manipulate, gas-light, attack, belittle, and display a myriad of other truly devastating, hurtful behaviors that continued throughout his life. But I know they were very real. Death does not change the impact we have, good and bad. We can see clear-eyed. But we can also see — from God’s perspective — the loveliness and beauty in the midst of the hard and ugly.

Despite my father resisting Him, God consistently has shown me how He feels about His son and His son’s blindness and brokenness. It is unspeakably and unchangingly beautiful. This is not denying or sweeping under the carpet my father’s ugly destructive choices that hurt himself and others. God — as the only just Judge — has forgiven, but He still sees clearly. There is an accountability and response of Love Himself — the Consuming Fire — for all of us to be conformed into the image of Christ. It is mystical, and I personally believe it is eternal!

God does truly redeem all things. I leave the mystery of all that with Him.

Beauty in the Midst Is Also Real

 One of the beautiful things that was never up for grabs was and is my love for my dad, sometimes despite myself. I could see an inner beauty that could not be snuffed out even if it was buried at times.

In walking out the healing journey from a very devastating childhood, there was a period that I needed to separate from my father/his toxicity so that I could intensively heal. It was an excruciating, and often exhausting journey that, in less difficult ways, is still ongoing.

Eventually, God had me reach out to my father in varying degrees. I want to share a glorious one that truly points to God’s overarching, sweeping, and transcendent love!

Facing My Dad

At the time my kids were little, God had me invite my dad, who I hadn’t seen for 7 years, to meet my husband and children and reconnect with me. Every part of my being did NOT want to do this. But I KNEW it was God. I willed myself to obey because I knew God enough to trust Him. He is Love. He is masterful and He restores. He is trustworthy, even when we do not understand.

A Love Explosion

 Walking to the hotel to meet my father, I had to will my feet to move forward. The doors of the hotel lobby opened. And there was my father, his back turned toward us. As he turned around, he seemed so much older – grey, with a little paunch. And, I kid you not, at that exact moment, the love of God for my father hit me so hard, I could not have loved him more! It was explosive and sweeping.

My innocent, loving children, who had never met their grandpa, ran forward to meet him, yelling, “Grandpa!!!!!”, hugging his legs. My dad didn’t really have any grid for this explosion of love and didn’t know what to do with it. But it wasn’t about my dad’s capacity or lack thereof. It was about God’s capacity through His kids! We were seeing my father/the kids’ grandfather through the eyes of Love, Who loves past our “deserving” it!

 This is what we were created for! As I have said many times, we were marked by Love before we were marred by anything else!

 I wish I could say that this transformed my dad. While it impacted him, it didn’t really change his capacity to love — at least not his daughters and grandkids.

He had had a lifetime of no grid for real, unperverted, unconditional love. Love was all too threatening.

But it showed ME something I needed.

Love Is Greater than Death — a Mystery

Love is greater than ANYTHING — even our lack of capacity to receive it!

Do I love my father?

I so do — past any harm he did to me or the people I love.

Am I at rest with “where” he is after a lifetime of refusing Love?

Absolutely, yes!

God had to heal and assure my heart over time and past my theological questions. And, yes, I have many more questions than I do answers. A few things that I have settled in the midst are: 

• God has him because HE chose my dad. (Ephesians 1:4, John 15:16, 2 Timothy 1:9–10). 
• The consuming fire of Love never lets us go even when we want Him to (Hebrews 10:29, Mark 9:49). 
• We can rest in His masterfulness at transforming/conforming us into the image of Christ (Romans 8:16–17, 29). 
• The mystery, I leave to God. And, happily, I am at peace, and you can be too!

I was ministering to someone shortly after I got the news of my father’s “passing.” I felt led to share about the blindness that created such resistance in my dad to God and his original design for him.

Jesus piped in spontaneously and said, “He sees Me now!”

How Do I Handle My Loved Ones Who Refuse God?

So, whatever the circumstance, stand for all your loved/painful ones to know God.

Let God deal with YOU. Trust God to reveal Himself in your and their areas of blindness. Release them to Him.

He is greater than our blindness, stubbornness, rebellion, ugliness, stupidity, brokenness, and resistance. He is greater than our hearts, even if they condemn us. 1 John 3:19–22 (King James Version) says:

19 And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.

20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.

21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.

Colossians 1:20 (KJV) echoes:

20 And, having made peace through the blood of his cross, by him to reconcile all things unto himself; by him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven.

He is greater than death, hell, and the grave (Rev. 1:17–18).

He is Love and Love never fails!

The details of how that all plays out, we can  leave up to Love Himself! We don’t have to spiral into theological crises or debate. 

He is bigger than all that! 

 I trust this has been a blessing, even if it raises a bunch of questions! I’d love to hear your heart and what you are honestly grappling with even as we rest in Love with the unanswered details and differing perspectives.  

 

Much love,

Catherine

 

P.S. This picture is of my father, my sister, and myself.