man and woman looking at each other considering forgiveness and reconciliation

The Wound of a Broken Relationship

There are few things more painful than the wound of a broken relationship. Whether it’s a betrayal, a harsh word, a deep misunderstanding, or even years of unresolved tension, or ongoing toxicity, broken relationships cut to the core of who we are.

Maybe it was a friend who walked away without an explanation.
Maybe it was a family member whose words left lasting scars.
Maybe it was a marriage that shattered under the weight of hurt.

And when we experience relational wounds, our first instinct is often self-protection. We build walls. We retreat. We convince ourselves we don’t care, that we’ve moved on, that it doesn’t affect us. But deep down, the pain lingers.

I know because I’ve been there.

There was a time when I carried unforgiveness like a badge of honor. I felt justified. I had been wronged, and I wasn’t about to let the person off the hook. I thought it was a protection to me. But something strange happened—the longer I held onto my bitterness, the more it held onto me.

One day, as I was pouring my heart out to God, I heard His gentle whisper:

“You can keep holding onto this, or you can let Me heal you. But you can’t have both.”

That was a defining moment for me.

It was then that I realized something profound: Forgiveness isn’t just about setting the other person free—it’s about setting yourself free.

And yet, there’s a lot of confusion around what forgiveness and reconciliation really mean. Does forgiving someone mean we have to let them back into our lives? What if they’re unrepentant? Can we love people from a distance?

The answers to these questions begin with understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation—and letting love lead the way.

an old man hugging a young man symbolizing forgiveness

The Prodigal Son: A Biblical Picture of Forgiveness and Reconciliation

One of the most powerful biblical analogies for forgiveness and reconciliation is the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

The father forgave his son before he ever returned home.
The son had to take a step toward reconciliation—he repented and sought restoration.
The father’s love was constant, but reconciliation was not automatic; it required the son’s return.

This story teaches us a profound truth:

Forgiveness is given freely and is mandatory, but reconciliation, when it happens, is a choice and a process.

Let’s break this down further.

What Forgiveness Is (and What It Isn’t)

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in Christianity. Many of us were taught that to forgive means to forget or to immediately restore trust. But that’s not biblical.

Forgiveness is NOT:

Excusing what happened. (“It wasn’t that bad.”)
Forgetting the pain. (“If I forgive, I should act like it never happened.”)
Allowing continued mistreatment. (“I have to let them keep hurting me.”)
Immediate or obligatory reconciliation. (“If I forgive, I have to be close to them again.”)

So what is it?

Forgiveness is releasing the debt someone owes you. It’s saying, “I no longer require you to pay me back for what you did. I am giving it to God, Who is the only One Who can.”

It is not a feeling; it’s a choice.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross, bleeding from wounds inflicted by those who mocked, betrayed, and condemned Him, He did something astonishing.

He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)

Jesus chose forgiveness before the people who wronged Him even acknowledged their guilt. Some never repented at all.

That’s because forgiveness is not about the other person—it’s about your own heart.

Why Forgiveness Frees YOU

I once heard someone say, “Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Unforgiveness keeps us chained to the past, replaying the hurt over and over.

And here’s the thing—the person who hurt you may not even be thinking about it. They may have moved on, completely unaware of the weight you’re carrying.

But God never designed us to live with bitterness. Bitterness poisons us, breaks us down, defiles us, torments us, and draws darkness/demonic to us.

Jesus taught about this in The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21-35).

A servant owed a king an impossible debt—one he could never repay.
The king forgave the debt completely out of mercy.
But then, the servant refused to forgive someone who owed him far less.
As a result, he ended up in torment.

Jesus’ message is clear: When we withhold forgiveness, we place ourselves in torment—not because God punishes us, but because unforgiveness is its own prison.

Forgiveness is not about fairness. It’s about freedom.

When we forgive, we:

Release ourselves from bitterness and emotional bondage.
Allow God to heal our hearts.
Walk in the same mercy we’ve received.

This doesn’t mean forgiveness is easy. In fact, sometimes it feels impossible. But here’s the good news:

God never asks us to forgive in our own strength.

When we say, “God, I want to forgive, but I don’t know how,” He meets us with supernatural grace.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, I dive deeper into this in my book Marked by Love. You can download a free chapter here.

When and How to Pursue Reconciliation

Now here’s where things get tricky—what about reconciliation?

Many people think forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing, but they’re not.

Forgiveness is one-sided. It only takes one person—you—to release the offense.
Reconciliation is two-sided. It requires both parties to move toward healing and restoration andis the choice first of the one who has been most wronged.

The Conditions for Healthy Reconciliation

Reconciliation should only be pursued when:
✅ There is GENUINE repentance. (Luke 17:3 – “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”)
✅ The person is willing to do what it takes day in day out over time to rebuild trust. (Proverbs 25:19 – “Like a broken tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in a time of trouble.”)
✅ Boundaries are in place to prevent future harm. (Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”)

When reconciliation isn’t possible:
❌ The person is not truly unrepentant.
❌ The relationship remains toxic or abusive.
❌ God leads you to forgive but not re-engage.

Even Jesus, who forgives freely, does not force reconciliation. He invites us into relationship, but He doesn’t override our will. He respects boundaries, and we should too.

Reconciliation is a process, and it should never be rushed.

Taking the First Step Toward Healing

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not instant decisions; they are journeys. But every journey begins with a single step.

So what is your first step today?

Maybe it’s simply acknowledging the pain. Maybe it’s surrendering your right to revenge. Maybe it’s asking God to soften your heart, even if you’re not ready to forgive.

One thing is certain—healing begins when we invite God into the process.

1. Pray for God’s Strength

Forgiveness is not something we can always do in our own power. Sometimes, the pain is too deep, the betrayal too fresh.

But the good news? God never asks us to do it alone.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If forgiveness feels impossible, start here:

“Lord, I’m not sure I can forgive. But I’m willing for You to work in my heart. Help me see this person through Your eyes. Give me the grace to release them, even if it’s little by little. I trust You to heal me.”

2. Release Them in Your Heart

You may never have a face-to-face conversation with the person who hurt you. They may never apologize. They may no longer be in your life.

That’s okay. Forgiveness happens in your heart first.

Ask yourself:

What emotional weight am I carrying because of this person?
Am I willing to let God take that weight, even if I don’t feel like it yet?
What would it look like to release this today, even just a little?

Reconciliation may or may not come—but your healing doesn’t depend on them. It depends on you and God.

3. If Reconciliation is Possible, Take One Small Step

If God is leading you to reconcile, start small.

Pray for them before you reach out.
Set clear boundaries before you re-engage.
Be patient—rebuilding trust takes time.

And if God is saying, “Forgive, but keep your distance,” trust Him. Love doesn’t always mean re-entry.

Resources for Deeper Healing

Forgiveness and reconciliation take time, but you don’t have to navigate them alone.

If this blog has stirred something in your heart, here are some resources to go deeper:

1. Book: Marked by Love

If you’re struggling to forgive or to know when to reconcile, I go deeper into these themes in my book Marked by Love. This book walks you through how God’s love transforms your relationships—starting with your own heart.

📖 Download a free chapter here: https://markedbylovebook.com/free-chapter

2. Podcast: Perspectives with Catherine Toon

For more encouragement on healing, boundaries, and walking in love, check out my podcast, where I share real-life insights and biblical truths to help you move forward.

🎧 Listen here: https://catherinetoon.com/perspective-podcast

3. Take One Action Today

God is inviting you into freedom. Whether it’s praying, journaling, or choosing to release even one small piece of resentment, today is a day for breakthrough.

💡 Ask yourself: What is one way I can let love lead today?Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Will you take the first step?