A husband and wife holding hands sitting with their two kids holding hands symbolizing love with boundaries creating a safe place for the family

The Myth That Love Has No Boundaries

For much of my life, I believed that love meant saying yes. Saying yes to every request, yes to every need, yes to every expectation. After all, wasn’t love supposed to be self-sacrificing?

But what happens when “yes” comes at the expense of your own peace, health, or even your ability to love well?

Somewhere along the way, I had absorbed the idea that love meant having no limits—that the more I gave, the holier and more loving I was. But what I didn’t realize was that love without boundaries isn’t love at all—it’s self-erasure.

The world has sold us a distorted view of love, one that says:

If you love someone, you’ll never say no.
If you’re a good Christian, you’ll always sacrifice yourself.
If you have strong boundaries, you must not be compassionate enough.

But Jesus Himself shows us something completely different. He embodied perfect love, and yet He set boundaries all the time. He didn’t let everyone have equal access to Him and definitely all the time. He walked away from toxic people as they were not ready to receive Him. He protected His peace.

If Jesus, the very definition of Love, modeled love with boundaries — shouldn’t we?

The Good Shepherd: A Biblical Analogy for Boundaries

Jesus describes Himself as the Good Shepherd in John 10:1-18, and this analogy is a powerful picture of love with boundaries.

The sheepfold has a gate—it isn’t wide open for just anything or anyone to enter.
The Shepherd protects His sheep—He leads them in and out safely, ensuring that they are guarded from harm.
He lays down His life for the sheep, but He doesn’t allow thieves and wolves to enter freely.

The gate is not a rejection—it’s a protection. Love does not mean being endlessly available to every demand; it means guarding what is sacred.

I love how God’s love is both limitless and protective. He welcomes us fully, but He doesn’t enable harm, abuse, or dysfunction. We can mirror this in our own lives—loving deeply while setting healthy boundaries.

If you’ve struggled with knowing where love ends and enabling begins, I talk about this in my book Marked by Love. God’s love isn’t about exhaustion; it’s about freedom. You can grab a free chapter here.

Why Love Without Boundaries Leads to Burnout

If we are honest, many of us say yes out of fear, not love.

Fear of disappointing others.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of not being “Christian enough.”

But saying yes when we don’t have the capacity, peace, or calling to do so doesn’t actually serve anyone. In fact, love without limits leads to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout.

Even Jesus—the One who healed the sick, fed the multitudes, and poured Himself out for the world—stepped away from people to rest and recharge.

Luke 5:16 tells us, “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

He wasn’t withdrawing because He didn’t care—He was modeling the need for boundaries. If Jesus needed space, rest, and balance, how much more do we?

I learned this the hard way.

There was a season in my life where I felt utterly depleted. I was pouring into others nonstop—family, friends, ministry, commitments—and at first, it felt good. But over time, I realized something:

I was giving so much that I had nothing left to give.

And when I asked God about it, He lovingly but firmly said:

“You’re saying yes to things I never asked you to carry.”

Wow.

How many of us take on responsibilities that God never asked us to? How many of us are running on empty, not because we are doing God’s will, but because we are afraid to say no?

Jesus never did this. He loved fully, but He didn’t allow people to manipulate or drain Him.

Some signs that we might be loving without healthy boundaries:

Exhaustion – We’re always running on fumes.
Resentment – We start feeling irritated or bitter when people ask for things.
Guilt-based decisions – We say yes not because we want to, but because we feel guilty saying no.

This is not the kind of love God calls us to. He calls us to love with boundaries, from a place of abundance, not depletion. If this is something you’re working through, I talk about it more on my podcast, Perspectives with Catherine Toon—listen here.

A family gathered together over a dinner party

What Healthy, Love-Filled Boundaries Look Like

So what does healthy love look like?

First, let’s talk about what it isn’t:

Love without truth → This leads to enabling.
Truth without love → This leads to harshness.
Love with wisdom → This leads to healthy, life-giving relationships.

Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love.”

True love doesn’t avoid hard conversations. It sets healthy expectations. It creates space where people take responsibility for their own actions.

One of the best biblical examples of this is Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42).

Martha was busy, exhausted, and frustrated.
Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and received.
Jesus told Martha, “You are worried about many things, but Mary has chosen the better way.”

Mary’s boundary was knowing that her time with Jesus mattered more than busyness. She chose love without obligation.

How do we apply this?

Say yes to things that align with love, peace, and purpose.
Say no to things that drain, manipulate, or take you out of alignment.
Know that love and limits are not opposites—they go hand in hand.

When Love Says “No” – Biblical Examples of Boundaries in Action

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say no.

Jesus Himself:

Set boundaries with the Pharisees (Matthew 15:12-14) – He refused to get entangled in their toxic arguments.
Walked away from toxic environments (Mark 6:1-6) – He didn’t try to “fix” those who rejected Him.
Taught His disciples to shake the dust off their feet (Matthew 10:14) – Sometimes, love means stepping away.
Followed Father God even when it made Him look uncaring or ungodly – let Lazarus die, rather than healing (John 11:1-37).

Paul:

Didn’t stay where he wasn’t welcomed (Acts 13:50-51).
Didn’t carry people who refused to take responsibility for their own faith (Galatians 6:5).

Even God sets boundaries:

Genesis 3:22-24 – After the fall, Adam and Eve were removed from the Garden—not as punishment, but as protection.
Revelation 3:20 – God knocks, but He doesn’t force His way in. He honors our free will.

Healthy love understands when to step in, and when to step back.

How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

One of the hardest things about setting boundaries is dealing with guilt.

If you’ve spent most of your life associating love with self-sacrifice, saying no can feel selfish—even when it’s necessary.

I get it.

For years, I struggled with feeling like I was disappointing people if I didn’t say yes to everything. There was always this little voice whispering:

What if they think I don’t love them?
What if I’m being selfish?
What if I hurt their feelings?

But the more I leaned into God’s heart, the more I realized something: Guilt is not from God.

The enemy loves to twist our understanding of love, making us think that setting limits means we’re failing people. But the truth is, healthy boundaries allow us to love more fully—not less.

1. Recognize That Saying No Doesn’t Make You Unloving

Let’s look at Jesus. He:

Didn’t heal every single person He encountered.
Didn’t let toxic people or ANY people control Him.
Didn’t exhaust Himself to meet every demand or crisis.

Yet, we know He loved perfectly.

If Jesus set boundaries, then we can too—without guilt.

2. Speak the Truth in Love

Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love.”

Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off or being harsh. They’re about being honest, clear, and loving. It is not only good for you to create boundaries, it is loving to not let others take advantage of you and manipulate you.

Some examples of boundary-setting statements:

“I love you, but I can’t take this on right now.”
“I care about you, but I need some space to recharge.”
“I want to help, but I need to set some limits so I don’t burn out.”
“I care about you, but this issue is not mine to take on.”

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you stop loving people—it means you love them without losing yourself in the process. It also means that because you love them, you will not let them take advantage or manipulate, even subconsciously.

3. Trust That God is at Work Even When You Step Back

One of the biggest reasons we struggle with boundaries is that we fear what will happen if we don’t step in.

But we are not other people’s saviors—God is (ask me how I know)!

When we try to rescue, fix, or overextend ourselves, we often end up getting in the way of what God is trying to do.

I’ve had moments where God asked me to step back from someone, and it felt so uncomfortable. I thought, But what if they don’t make the right choices?

And God gently reminded me: That’s not your job. Your job is to love. My job is to transform.

We are responsible TO love and honor others; we must let God show us:

what that looks like and
empower us to do it.

We ARE to take responsibility FOR ourselves—OUR

actions,
attitudes,
behaviors,
reactions,
decisions, and
well-being.

This ours with the help of Jesus.

We are NOT to take responsibility FOR OTHERS’

actions
attitudes,
behaviors,
reactions,
decision,s and
well-being.

This is THEIRS with the help of Jesus.

When we take it on, we take on God’s job and a crushing God-level weight.

When we trust that God is working even and often especially when we step back, it frees us from feeling like we have to do everything for everyone.

If you struggle with knowing how to love without enabling, I talk more about this in my book Marked by Love. You can grab a free chapter here.

A Happy family getting together and hugging each other

Walking in Love AND Healthy Boundaries

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they shut people out.

But healthy boundaries don’t push people away—they create deeper, more authentic relationships.

Think about it this way:

A fence around a house isn’t there to keep everyone out—it’s there to define personal space and keep the environment safe.
A garden gate isn’t there to prevent growth—it’s there to keep the right things in and harmful things out.

1. Jesus Had Different Levels of Access

Jesus loved everyone, but He didn’t give everyone equal access to His time, energy, or heart.

Look at the levels of relationship in His life:

The Crowds → He ministered to them, but He didn’t confide in them.
The 12 Disciples → He invested more deeply in them.
Peter, James, and John → They had the closest access to Him.
The Father → His most intimate relationship.

Even Jesus was selective with His inner circle—by design.

This means:

It’s okay and necessary to love people without letting them have unlimited access to you.
It’s okay to prioritize deep relationships over surface-level connections.
It’s okay and necessary to guard your heart while still loving others well.

2. Love Isn’t People-Pleasing

Many of us confuse love with people-pleasing, but they are definitely not the same thing.

People-pleasing:

Comes from fear of rejection.
Leads to resentment and exhaustion.
Tries to control how others see us.

Love:

Comes from freedom.
Gives or doesn’t give as led without guilt.
Sets healthy limits for both self and others.

If you find yourself saying yes just to keep the peace, ask yourself:

Am I doing this out of love or obligation?
Would I still say yes if I didn’t fear their reaction?
Is this sustainable and healthy, or am I overextending myself?

Walking in love with boundaries means saying yes from a place of freedom, not fear.

a young woman with her bible sitting by a fire praying

Take the First Step: Setting One Healthy Boundary in Love

Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming, so let’s start small.

1. Pray for Wisdom

James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Before setting a boundary, take it to God. Ask:

Lord, where do I need stronger boundaries?
What relationships feel draining rather than life-giving?
Where am I saying yes when I need to say no?

God will guide you to set limits in a way that is both loving and wise.

2. Choose One Area to Start

Boundaries don’t have to be drastic or dramatic. Start with one small doable step.

Some examples:

Saying no to something that drains you.
Limiting time with someone who takes more than they give.
Prioritizing rest and self-care without guilt.

You don’t have to and should not try to fix everything overnight. Just take the first doable step.

3. Trust That Love Thrives in Truth, Not Sacrifice

Many of us were raised to believe that love = self-sacrifice. But real love is rooted in truth, not depletion.

John 8:32 says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

This is Truth in our inner-most hearts, not just our heads. THAT Truth sets us free to:

Love from a full heart.
Set healthy limits without guilt.
Give without resentment.

two people outside in the setting sun forming a heart with their hands

Final Thoughts

Boundaries aren’t about rejecting people—they’re about protecting what God has given you.

You can love fully while setting healthy limits.

You can have compassion without compromising your peace.

And you can be deeply kind and caring while still saying no.

God is inviting you into love with wisdom, grace, and freedom. Will you take the first step?

With Love,

Catherine Toon