When Striving Fails Us
I used to think if I just did more—served harder, prayed longer, worshipped louder—I could finally feel at peace with God and myself. I was convinced that more would lead to breakthrough, intimacy, and the godly relationships I longed for. But instead of peace, I found exhaustion. Instead of connection, I found a quiet despair that I couldn’t shake.
Striving didn’t lead me into God’s arms. It led me into burnout.
There’s a subtle, toxic lie that has seeped into so much of our faith walk: the belief that God requires performance to approve us, bless us, or use us. It’s often unspoken—but deeply ingrained. Somewhere along the line, many of us internalized the idea that being busy for God equals being close to God.
But here’s the truth that changed my life:
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28
God never asked us to strive for love. He asked us to abide in it.
We live in a culture that celebrates hustle and idolizes productivity. Even in Christian circles, this mindset has crept into our theology. We’re praised for our spiritual output—how much we serve, how many ministries we lead, how often we fast and pray. But inwardly, many are starving for connection.
We’ve confused activity with intimacy, and we’ve reduced godly relationships to spiritual checklists.
Let’s call it what it is: performance-based living.
And it’s a myth.
The Root of the Striving Mindset
Striving doesn’t come from love—it comes from fear. Fear that we’re not enough. Fear that if we don’t perform, we’ll be disqualified. Fear that if we stop, everything will fall apart. But God’s perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), and that includes the fear that drives our need to strive.
I remember a time when I felt completely unseen. I was doing “all the things”—raising my kids, ministering to others, saying yes to every need. But inside, I was unraveling. My identity had become tangled in my ability to perform well for God and for others. I believed that if I didn’t hold it all together, I would lose the love and value I had worked so hard to earn.
But here’s what I’ve come to know:
- God is not impressed by your hustle.
- God is not moved by your striving.
- God is not looking for performance—He’s looking for connection.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9
The root of striving is often a distorted view of God. If we see Him as a distant taskmaster or a perfectionist judge, we’ll naturally feel the need to work for His approval. But when we see Him as a loving Father, our hearts can finally exhale.
Striving also thrives in environments where godly relationships have been replaced by religious expectations.
We begin to relate to God as a boss instead of a Father.
We relate to others through comparison rather than compassion. We measure our worth by our productivity instead of our identity.
This mindset is sneaky. It masquerades as discipline. It wears the clothes of excellence and diligence. But at its core, it’s rooted in self-effort and self-reliance. And it will never produce the fruit our hearts were made for.
The Cost of Performance-Based Living
When we live in performance mode, we inevitably pay a price. And it’s steep.
Performance-based living might look successful on the outside, but it leaves us:
- Emotionally drained
- Spiritually disconnected
- Prone to comparison, shame, and envy
- Afraid to rest, for fear we’ll fall behind
- Unavailable for authentic, godly relationships
It’s no surprise that many in ministry burn out. When your identity is built on what you do for God instead of who you are in Him, the pressure becomes unsustainable. You start to believe the lie that resting is laziness, that slowing down is unfaithful, and that asking for help is weakness.
I’ve been there.
There was a season when I hit my knees, not out of holy reverence, but because I had nothing left to give. I had poured out to the point of depletion—believing I was doing it all for God—only to realize I was trying to earn what had already been freely given. That moment became a holy turning point.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1
Striving is a form of slavery. It places the weight of our worth on our performance, and it keeps us from entering the fullness of rest and relationship.
And this doesn’t just affect us—it ripples into every connection we have.
- We can’t show up authentically in godly relationships when we’re wearing masks of perfection.
- We can’t love others from a place of overflow when we’re constantly empty.
- We can’t model grace if we’re not living in it ourselves.
What we call spiritual discipline can quickly become spiritual depletion if we’re disconnected from the Source. And the irony? When we stop striving and start abiding, we become more fruitful—not less.
Jesus said:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:5
Nothing—that is no thing of eternal value. Not less. Not a little bit. Apart from Him, we can do nothing of lasting value.
So why do we keep trying to earn what He’s already made ours?
Friend, your value was never meant to be proven. It was meant to be unveiled and received.
Moreover, godly relationships aren’t built through striving—they’re nurtured in grace. They flourish when we bring our whole selves to the table, not our curated selves or resumes. Relationships grow when we rest in love, not perform for approval.
Let’s stop running a race Jesus already finished.
God’s Invitation: From Striving to Being
It’s a strange thing, isn’t it? How grace can feel more threatening than law. At least with law, you know the score—you do good, you get good. You feel in control and that you get the credit! But grace? Grace offends the ego. It exposes the illusion of control. It exposes our need to take the credit. It levels the playing field and invites us to receive what we could never earn.
This is what makes grace so powerful. And this is the invitation God is offering us: to trade in our striving for sonship.
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’” – Romans 8:15
We weren’t meant to serve like slaves, desperate for approval. We were meant to walk as beloved sons and daughters, already accepted, already included, already home.
That means:
- You don’t have to hustle for God’s love.
- You don’t have to fear missing your moment.
- You don’t have to exhaust yourself trying to be enough.
You already are. In Christ, you are already seated in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6). You are already chosen (Colossians 3:12). You are already empowered (2 Peter 1:3).
God’s invitation isn’t for better behavior—it’s for deeper intimacy. He’s not looking for more workers in the field. He’s calling sons and daughters to sit at the table. He’s calling for a Bride to operate in intimacy partaking of her heavenly husband’s provision.
And when we recline in grace, something shifts. Our striving gives way to stillness. Our performance gives way to presence. And from that place, we begin to live differently.
Godly relationships, real fruit, lasting peace—they don’t come from effort. They come from union.
What Freedom Looks Like
So what does it look like to live free from striving?
It looks like breathing again. It looks like waking up without the pressure to prove yourself. It looks like:
- Saying yes from love, not fear.
- Resting without guilt.
- Setting boundaries without shame.
- Receiving correction without condemnation.
- Loving others without needing to be needed.
When we live from love instead of for love, everything changes. Ministry becomes an overflow, not a drain. Obedience becomes a joy, not a duty. Godly relationships flourish because we’re no longer using people to validate our worth.
Here’s the beautiful paradox of grace: when we stop trying to be enough, we become vessels of more than enough.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9
God meets us in our surrender—not our success. His power flows through our dependence, not our dominance.
So breathe. Rest. You don’t have to carry this anymore.
An Invite to a Holy Exchange
Right now, you have an opportunity.
To lay down the heavy yoke of performance. To pick up the easy yoke of Jesus. To stop striving and start abiding.
Ask yourself:
- Where have I been performing instead of trusting?
- Where am I striving for approval I already have?
- Where do I need to make space for godly relationships that are rooted in grace, not perfection?
Take a moment and pray:
“Papa/Jesus/Holy Spirit, I release the burden of striving. I lay down the need to prove myself. Teach me to live from Your love, not for it. Let Your grace define me, and let Your Spirit lead me. I receive the rest You offer. I choose sonship over slavery. In Jesus’ name. Amen!”
Let today be the day you make the holy exchange. Trade your striving for rest. Trade your performance for presence. Trade your fear for trust.
You were never meant to earn what Jesus already gave.
You are free. You are beloved. You are home.
XO, Catherine Toon