When Religion Hurts More Than It Heals
Child of God, if you’ve ever felt like religion broke your heart or crushed your spirit, you are not alone.
I’ve heard so many stories—and lived my own—where the very spaces that were supposed to be the safest became places of manipulation, control, shame, confusion, and spiritual and emotional exhaustion. You may have genuinely loved God and still ended up traumatized, burned out, rejected, or wondering if something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Rachael Cannon and I talked about this in our recent Perspectives episode. She grew up in church, the daughter of a pastor, surrounded by Christian culture and Bible verses. And yet, confusion about her identity drove her into addiction, destructive relationships, and multiple incarcerations. Later, after a dramatic turnaround, she found herself striving in religious performance, jumping through all the “right” hoops, and still not finding freedom or rest.
My journey took a different road—more “socially acceptable” idols like success, medicine, family, and even ministry. But the ache underneath was the same. I was trying to hold my world together with my own strength and striving, trying to keep the shame from abuse at bay until everything started to unravel and I realized I couldn’t help myself or figure any of it out.
Whether your story looks more like addiction, religious performance, family dysfunction, or a mix of it all—there’s a moment when the masks crack. And in that devastating place, an encounter with God’s love, with God as Love can change everything.
The God Who Met You Before the Womb
Long before any religious trauma, any shame, any addiction, any failure, or any success… there was a moment when Papa dreamed YOU.
Years ago when I was struggling with tremendous pain surrounding abuse, Holy Spirit led me into a vision. I saw myself as a tiny embryo in His hands. Papa lifted me up on His finger and presented me before heaven: “THIS is My daughter!” All of heaven erupted, rejoicing over this little one—over me. My whole being sank into His fingerprint, and His identity imprinted mine. I finally got it! Before anything ever marred me, I was marked by Love. And that beloved is your story too!!
Rachael shared a similar moment. In a faith-based rehab (after years of addiction and jail), her mentor created space every morning for “love encounters.” No striving, no long prayers—just worship, blankets on the floor, and waiting on and resting in Holy Spirit. One day, Rachael saw herself as a little baby, and she saw Father God lean down and kiss her forehead, her nose, and finally her lips.
Then she heard Him say:
“You don’t kiss other people’s babies on the lips. You are Mine.”
That simple, intimate encounter with God as Love rewrote decades of shame in a moment.
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument]. – Jeremiah 1:5, AMPC
Before the womb. Before religion. Before trauma. Before your worst decisions. Papa already knew you, delighted in you, and claimed you as His own!!!
When Religion Can’t Hold Your Heart
Religion often starts with good intentions: we want to honor God, do the right thing, and help others. But when fear, control, and shame creep in, the system begins to crush the people it was meant to heal and serve.
Rachael described being “released” from her church—read, the rejection of being kicked out. With one meeting, she lost her position, her ministry, and many relationships. She was left alone with agonizing questions, spiritual warfare, and the feeling that everything she’d built with God had suddenly collapsed.
I’ve had my own seasons of rejection, being angry with God, disillusioned with people, and undone by the weight of expectations. Maybe you have too. Maybe you’ve heard these lies:
- “God is more invested in rules than in your heart.”
- “If you were truly spiritual, you wouldn’t be struggling like this.”
- “You’re a problem to be fixed, not a person to be loved.”
These are not the voice of Love. They are the echoes of religious trauma, lies of the enemy, and broken systems, not the heart of Papa, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.
Jesus had His longest recorded conversation in scripture, not with a religious leader, but with a broken Samaritan woman at a well—the wrong gender, wrong ethnicity, wrong history by religious standards. And He chose her.
The time is coming, however, indeed it is already here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth… for the Father is seeking such people as these as His worshipers. – John 4:23, AMPC
He wasn’t after her correct theology or perfect behavior; He was after her heart.
Encounter > Striving: The Love That Rewires Your Story
Here’s the beautiful scandal of the gospel: what years of striving can’t accomplish, one encounter with God as the Person of Love can.
Rachael spent 25 years in addiction and made multiple attempts at rehab, including faith-based programs. She tried hard. She prayed. She did the steps. But nothing stuck—until she had that real, tangible encounter with Love Himself.
On my own journey, I had seasons where I gave God the “flying finger,” as I like to say. I told Him, “If You’re so good and so powerful, how could You let everything I care about fall apart?” I didn’t get tidy answers, really any answer. I got something better. I got Presence. I got the relentless pursuit of a God Who refused to walk away, even when I did.
I call it “annoying, relentless Love,” which is how I felt at the time. But secretly in my heart of hearts, I was so glad that God refused to quit pursuing me!
It wasn’t my brilliant Bible study, perfect prayer life, or polished ministry that healed me. It was meeting Jesus in my pain, in my flashbacks, in my questions—and discovering He wasn’t disgusted by my failures, flaws, and weaknesses. He was moved with compassion out of Love!
An encounter with God’s love doesn’t deny your trauma; it goes straight to its epicenter and begins to rewrite the narrative from the inside out.
So now we can come freely and boldly to where love is enthroned, to receive mercy’s kiss and discover the grace we urgently need to strengthen us in our time of weakness. – Hebrews 4:16, TPT, emphasis added
Love doesn’t wait for you to be “fixed” to come close. You are not a project to be fixed. Love is the One Who comes close, and that closeness heals.
Healing Religious Trauma in the Arms of Love
If you’ve been hurt by church, Christian leaders, or religious systems, I want to look you in the eye as a spiritual mama and say:
- What happened to you matters.
- What happened to you was not OK.
- God does not endorse what harmed you.
- He is not and never has been the author of your abuse, confusion, or shame.
Religion may have told you that God was angry, easily disappointed, or constantly measuring your performance. But Jesus—Love in skin—came to unveil the opposite:
We have come into an intimate experience with God’s love, and we trust in the love He has for us. God is love! – 1 John 4:16, TPT
Healing religious trauma often involves several layers of spiritual healing:
- Letting Holy Spirit untangle the image of God you absorbed from wounded people and systems.
- Allowing yourself to grieve what was lost: community, innocence, time, trust.
- Hearing from God for yourself—through encounters, scripture, inner impressions, pictures, and His loving presence—so that His voice becomes louder than all the others.
- Rediscovering your identity in Christ not as “the rebel,” “the failure,” “the not enough one,” or “the too-much one,” but as a cherished son or daughter who has always been passionately wanted.
Rachael said something powerful: she realized she hadn’t been fighting the devil nearly as much as she’d been fighting her own old programming. I’ve seen the same thing over and over in my own life and in those I minister to. Love comes in, not to shame our confusion and fallen ways of being, but to gently or sometimes radically rewire it.
How to Welcome Your Own Encounter with God’s Love
You can’t manufacture an encounter with God’s love, dear one—but you can posture your heart to receive what Papa is already pouring out. Here are some gentle, practical ways to begin:
- Make space, even if it’s messy—don’t wait until it is convenient or orderly
You don’t need hours. You need honesty and a willingness. Take 10–15 minutes, put on worship or peaceful music, grab a blanket if you’d like, and simply say, “Jesus, I’m here. If You really are Love, would You show me?” Then REST. - Bring the real you, not the religious you.
If you’re angry, say so. If you’re numb, say so. If you’re scared He won’t show up, tell Him. If you feel unworthy, say so. If you feel He’s failed you, ‘fess up! He wants to minister to the REAL you, not your masks. He already knows who you truly are and that is who He treasures! He refuses to have a relationship with anything other than the authentic you and He will reveal who you are so you can get to know and love the real you.. Also He already knows how you are truly feeling and the lies you are believing. So come as you are, and He will help with all of it. - Ask Papa a simple question.
“What do You love about me?”
Then quiet your mind and go inside. Practice noticing the subtle impressions, memories, images, sensations, thoughts or words that start to surface. The more you focus on them the more you will get. Be patient with yourself and Him. Take the pressure off! You are practicing and you will get better the more you practice. Holy Spirit often whispers in ways that feel like your own thoughts or words—only kinder, more loving, more hopeful, and weightier (in a good way) than you would be to yourself. - Let scripture become a doorway, not a hammer.
Instead of reading the Bible as a test you’re supposed to pass, read it as a gift of Love. Pause when a verse stirs you and ask, “Jesus, how is this true for me, right now?” Avoid passages that bring anxiety, confusion, condemnation, pressure, or fear. There are ways of handling scripture that do so, and we don’t throw passages out we don’t like. But this is not the time to wrangle with those. Remember, not all scripture carries the same weight. Paul said the letter of the law kills but the Spirit brings life (2 Cor. 3:6). Jesus said to His disciples that they had heard it said (in the Torah), but He said, implying that passages got it wrong (multiple references, Matt. 5). If you want some help with handling scripture so that it helps not harms, see my blog series How to Handle Scripture Rightly. If the Bible carries too much traumatic overlay, it may be time to lay it down for a while and let God speak to you in other ways. He will restore it back at the proper time for you.
…that you may come to know, practically, through experience for yourselves the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge… that you may be filled [through all your being] with all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:19, AMPC
This is the invitation: not just to know about Love, but to experience Love.
Your Story Isn’t Over
If religion has traumatized you or broken your heart, if shame has tried to name you, if you feel like your timeline is one long thread of failure or striving—hear this:
Your story is not finished.
The same Jesus Who sat down at a well with a rejected Samaritan woman, the same Father Who kissed Rachael as His baby and called her “Mine,” the same Love Who lifted me as an embryo and imprinted me with His fingerprint—this is the God Who holds your life right now.
An encounter with God’s love may not erase your past, but it can reinterpret it. It can turn the rubble of religious trauma and personal brokenness into a story of union, dignity, restoration, and radiant identity in Christ. It can send you back into the very places you once felt most ashamed, to find healing, treasure, redemption and hope for others—just like Rachael, who now ministers in the same jails where she once did time and to so many others.
If your heart is stirring as you read this, I’d love to invite you deeper:
🎬 Watch the full conversation with Dr. Rachael Cannon here:
https://youtu.be/L54kpOt4h4c
Let Love meet you where you really are today, dear one. Not where religion said you “should” be but where you are right now.
You are known.
You are treasured.
You are already, irrevocably, unabashedly, endlessly, and passionately Loved.
Love, Catherine Toon