Have you ever looked around and thought, “Where are the safe, wise people I can really talk to?”
We live in a time of endless information and countless opinions, but many hearts quietly feel an ache for wisdom and mentorship that seems to be rare. We have podcasts, conferences, and social feeds full of voices—but relatively few big, generous souls who feel safe enough to hold our stories without judgment or personal agenda.
That’s part of what I unpack with poet-chaplain David Tensen in our Perspectives with Catherine Toon Podcast conversation on spiritual transformation and eldering well. As we talked, a phrase of his stuck with me: the need for “fat souls”—big, generous inner worlds that can truly companion others. That, to me, is a beautiful picture of spiritual maturity.
Spiritual maturity is not just about how long you’ve been a Christian or how much Bible you know. It is about becoming the kind of person in whom Love has made such a home that others feel seen, heard, and safe in your presence.
The Ache for True Elders
Over and over, I hear a similar ache from people I walk with:
“I love Jesus, but I don’t know who to go to when I’m really struggling.”
“I feel like I’ve outgrown the spiritual or emotional maturity of some of the people who raised/mentored me.”
“I long for spiritual guidance that doesn’t shame me,rush me, or make me feel controlled.”
Many of us grew up with models of leadership that were strong on knowledge and activity, but not always strong on presence, tenderness, or vulnerability. In the West especially, we’ve become long-lived, prosperous, and information-saturated—but often a term that David Tensen calls “elder-poor”.
A true elder doesn’t have to be old in years, but they do carry something weighty in Love. When you are with them, you breathe easier. You don’t feel like a project or a problem to be solved. You feel like a person—held in kindness and esteem, not measured by performance. That’s the fruit of spiritual maturity.
What Spiritual Maturity Is Not
Before we talk about what spiritual maturity is, it helps to gently clear away a few misconceptions.
Spiritual maturity is not:
- Having all the answers (delusional)
- Never struggling or having questions (dishonest)
- Holding a church title or platform
- Being the loudest or most certain voice in the room (often a sign of insecurity)
You can be on a church board, lead a ministry, or have years of experience in spiritual leadership and still be very defensive, reactive, or unsafe for tender hearts. Titles and timelines do not automatically produce a big, generous soul.
Scripture paints a different picture of wisdom:
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, courteous, considerate, and gentle. It is willing to yield to reason, full of compassion and good fruits; it is wholehearted and straightforward, impartial and unfeigned… – James 3:17, AMPC
Heaven’s wisdom looks like peace, gentleness, and compassion. Those are the textures of spiritual maturity. They don’t come from winning arguments; they grow as we let Love reshape our inner world on an ongoing basis.
A Big, Generous Soul: What It Feels Like to Be Around One
David uses the image of a “fat soul”— expanding that as a big, generous river on the inside.
A big soul feels like this:
- Wide enough to hold your grief, your questions, and your joy without rushing you
- Deep enough that your pain doesn’t swamp others; they’re not threatened by your process
- Slow enough that you don’t feel pushed, fixed, or managed
- You walk away feeling more connected to God and to yourself—not more confused, condemned, or small
By contrast, a small, anxious soul might be very sincere and even very “right” theologically, but you can feel that there is not much room inside. There’s pressure for you to agree, to hurry up, to fit their grid. You don’t feel spacious; you feel squeezed and constricted.
Love, at its core, is spacious:
Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all… It is not easily irritated or quick to take offense… Love never stops loving. – 1 Corinthians 13:4–8, TPT, emphasis added
When Love enlarges our hearts, we become more patient, more kind, more able to listen. That widening is what spiritual maturity looks like on the ground.
Listening Like Jesus: Decentering Ourselves So Others Feel Seen
One of the most striking marks of Jesus’ life on earth was how He listened.
Think of the woman at the well, the disciples on the road to Emmaus, Nicodemus in the night. Jesus, Who had every right to preach nonstop, instead asked questions, drew out and honored stories, and revealed and responded to the true heart-cry beneath the words.
Listening like that requires a deep, tender kind of decentering.
Decentering doesn’t mean you disappear or become voiceless. It means you gently move your need to be the center—your need to be right, to be impressive, to be heard—out of the middle so that the other person has room to exist in front of you.
In our conversation, David talks about older adults lamenting, “Young people don’t want to listen to us.” There can be real pain there, especially if your own voice was never honored. But when that unhealed ache sits in the center, it can make every interaction about finally being heard, instead of truly hearing. Love honors by placing self aside to truly understand rather than be understood.
Spiritual eldering looks different. It sounds more like:
- “Tell me how you’re really doing.”
- “Help me understand what that felt like for you.”
- “I’m here with you; we don’t have to fix this right now; fixing is not the point”
This is where emotional maturity and spiritual maturity overlap so beautifully. As we grow, we become less driven by our own unmet needs in conversation and more free to offer genuine presence.
Scripture captures this posture simply:
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry… – James 1:19, NIV, emphasis added
Listening like Jesus is not a personality type; it’s a fruit of Love at work in us. It is a form of spiritual leadership that says, “I’m not here to be the star of your story. I’m here to companion you as Christ companions us both.” Isn’t that beautiful!?
How Love Grows a Big, Generous Soul
The good news is that you don’t have to stretch yourself into a big, generous soul by sheer willpower, a recipe for frustration and exhaustion. You and I are not the primary gardeners of our own hearts—Papa, Jesus, and Holy Spirit are (Isaiah 5:1-7, Song of Songs 4:16).
As you allow God to meet you in your own immaturity, impatience, and need to control the narrative, something begins to soften. Instead of shaming you, Love holds you there. Instead of scolding you for being self-centered, Love gently decenters you by giving you the experience of being profoundly seen and valued.
We love because He first loved us. We listen because we have been deeply listened to. We offer spiritual guidance that is kind and non-anxious because we ourselves are being guided by the Good Shepherd.
And we all… beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another… – 2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV
Spiritual maturity is not a performance goal; it is the natural outcome, a byproduct, of beholding and receiving the Person of Love over time. We become what or Who we behold.
Simple Practices to Grow a Big, Generous Soul
You can’t control how fast you grow, but you can posture your heart. Here are some gentle, practical steps I’ve found helpful—for myself and for those I walk with:
1. Practice one truly listening conversation a day
Choose one person—child, spouse, friend, coworker—and decide ahead of time: “Today, my main job is to listen.”
Ask open-hearted questions. Let them finish their thoughts. Notice when you want to interrupt with your story, your advice, your solution. Instead of shaming yourself, simply whisper inside, “Jesus, help me so down and make space here.”
This is how spiritual maturity is formed—in the ordinary moments.
2. Notice your need to be the center—with kindness
When you feel frustrated that people don’t listen to you, or you feel invisible in a room, pause and ask Papa:
“Where does this hurt come from? What am I afraid of if I’m not the center right now?”
You might be touching very old places of neglect or dismissal. Those are not wrong; they are simply invitations for healing. As Love tends those wounds, your inner world develops more capacity and becomes more generous with others.
3. Let yourself be eldered
Even as you grow in spiritual eldering for others, you still need elders and companions yourself. Ask Holy Spirit to bring to you and look for people who are safe, who don’t rush you, who are humble enough to say, “I don’t know, but I’m with you.” Understand these people may be younger than you, different socially-economically, a different gender, or not the “lead dog” in a ministry. But they carry eldership you need. Let it unfold organically, don’t force it, but be open. It is a 2-way street.
Receiving this kind of spiritual guidance keeps you grounded, connected, and honest. None of us are meant to walk alone.
4. Inhabit your actual season of life
Ask Holy Spirit, “What does it look like to inhabit my age and stage with grace?”
Spiritual maturity doesn’t require you to act younger or older than you are. It invites you to be present—to your own limitations, your own gifts, your own story. As you accept where you are, you become more accepting of where others are too.
5. Pray for a big, generous soul
You don’t have to know how to get there. A simple, sincere prayer is powerful:
“Jesus, I don’t want to stay small inside. Grow in me a big, generous soul that can listen like You, love like You, and be a safe place for others.”
Prayers like this align you with Heaven’s heart. Over time, you may notice that your reactions soften, your patience lengthens, and your capacity to hold others in Love quietly expands.
6. Be willing to elder someone else
As you are growing, recognize that you have something to offer someone else. Value it and be open to where you can humbly pour into someone else’s life right where you are.
An Invitation to Spiritual Maturity
Dear one, the world does not need more perfect “sexy-looking” performers. It needs more big, generous souls—people who are willing to keep growing, keep listening, and keep decentering themselves so others can feel seen.
You don’t have to have it all together. You can be honest and authentic without making people uncomfortable by sharing too much.. You can start right where you are, in your family, your friendships, your workplace—offering one more listening ear, one more gentle question, one more moment of nonjudgmental presence. This is spiritual leadership in its most Christlike form.
If this stirs something in you, I would love to invite you deeper into the conversation I had with David Tensen on spiritual eldering and transformation.
🎬 Watch Spiritual Transformation | Eldering Well with David Tensen on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/tkTiKfDrZf4
As you watch, I pray you feel not only invited to grow, but also profoundly encouraged that Love is already at work in you—forming a soul that is spacious, kind, and beautifully mature in Christ.
And if this stirred a hunger in you to grow in how you relate to others from a place of love and maturity, you might enjoy these companion blogs: Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Love Heals and 5 Ways to Build Godly Relationships with Love.
May they support you as you keep saying yes to becoming a big, generous soul in Christ—learning to forgive, reconcile, and build godly relationships that look and feel like Love Himself.
Love, Catherine Toon